Faith No More

What job can possibly be more under appreciated than that of a teacher? I am sure you quickly thought of garbage man, porta-potty cleaner, or perhaps even the teenager who collects carts at the grocery store, selflessly braving heat, rain and snow to keep carts stocked and your car almost dent free. I assure you those jobs do make the world go round, but I was thinking more along the lines of a substitute teacher. Sure you locked them out of the classroom when you were in middle school or put laxatives in their coffee, but you still appreciated the day, as it was a day with little supervision and next to no work. Yet, to this day, the dreaded substitute teacher still is over looked and under appreciated as an educational profession. Many might not understand the challenges that are laid out for a sub.
Well okay, so maybe you enjoy getting a call at 5 AM asking you to come into work at the last minute while you are still nursing a wicked hangover. This part may not be one of the many challenges for you. Perhaps not knowing what class/subject/content you will be forced to teach also sounds fun…again not a bump in the road. Health insurance, benefits package…ppfffsssh…you don’t need them. Fine so far the subbing gig might sound stellar to you, GREAT. However, the lack of respect, the teasing, the screaming, the practical jokes, the complete lies, the lack of help from any other teacher and the pure chaos about to ensue is bound to cause anyone to take a bath with a live toaster.
Me?
Alright, so I loved every minute of substitute teaching. Perhaps it caused me to eat Ramon Noodles and Hamburger Helper more times than recommended for the human stomach, but it was a dream job fresh from college. I could do what I wanted when I wanted and turn down jobs I would dread. I loved the thrill of the unknown and meeting so many new kids. Best of all it gave me the opportunity to test out my ability to manage a classroom with little consequence. After all, I could care less if this class failed math…I am not the one required to maintain Annual Yearly Progress for this classroom.
I was wrong, there is consequence. There are currently 25 now sixth graders who have me to blame for ruining their childhood fantasies, and perhaps their parents blame me for the corruption building in their lives.
What could they expect? The little Catholic school did not have me list my religious affiliation on the application for employment, how could they, there are laws to follow. They were none the wiser they had just hired an Atheist. This was not a concern of mine as I was applying for a substitute position for middle school. I would be stuck in social studies and math classes not to worry a thing about religion. Until the day I was running short on my Ramon cuisine and needed to take on extra jobs. “Would I mind, second grade? Of course not, be there by 8!”
Everything was going great…I even made it till two without stepping on one of the lil buggers running around the room or even losing one on the playground. But then on the sub schedule I looked at the last class and it was religion. I can handle this…I just taught spelling and I can’t spell. I opened up the chapter and we began the review for the test to occur the next day. We were speeding through the vocabulary when a student asked for me to explain faith again. I thought about my possible choices…I could feign medical trauma or I could tell the truth. I chose truth and dove right into what I thought was a magical explanation…
“Well, faith is when you believe in something even if there is no proof. (Smiles and nods…good) Sort of like Santa, no one sees Santa, and even though he doesn’t exist you still believe.”
Back up…did I just out Santa to a believing group of second graders? Did I just compare the Catholic religion and notable deity to a fictional Hallmark character? Did I just denounce the existence of Jesus and the fat man that brings toys?

Did I EVER substitute teach again?